Jersey Finally Admits Its Weather is Bang-average

JERSEY HAS FINALLY come out to admit that its weather is no better than anywhere across the south of England

As of late, Jersey has reminded us that despite all the tourism campaigns, the ‘Visit Jersey’ adverts and the 97% of islanders constantly reminding themselves on Instagram that the weather is ‘lit’, the weather is still bang-average at best.

Blake Dempsey had recently planned to host after work drinks at THE Bar on the roof terrace (which is technically almost ground level) but admitted that Jersey Met Office had yet again foiled his plans:

“Fucking picture of grey cloud and water droplets, again. Why does this island constantly claim that it has weather that could mirror the fucking Caribbean? The irony is that Instagram becomes lit once the sun comes out, but this is, like, once every two fucking weeks. Technically, if our weather was this good, I’d be seeing mad Brelades pics everyday, not throwbacks to your fucking holiday in Ko Tao, or your daily countdown towards your next ‘soul-searching’ travelling experience where you ask random Asian tourists to take pictures of your ass as you wave your hands about on some long piece of wood that stretches into some really blue water.”

We allowed Dempsey a few minutes to compose himself, as clearly he’s clearly a bit of a prick, and holds some bitterness towards certain people on social media:

“Yeah, so I can’t wear my new blue shirt outside on Friday because the rain is gon’ fuck it up.”

Dempsey continued by stating that he has some radical ideas to promote tourism, now that Jersey has given up the ghost in regards to fighting to retain an average of 22 degrees:

“What use does this island have if not for its heat? And by heat, I literally mean temperature, not crime, in fact, crime would actually be better than three days of Met Office ‘sad clouds.'”

Dempsey admits there are genuine concerns over what Jersey would offer if not for beaches and food, both of which usually require similar elements of ample temperature to become socially and physically approachable:

“Aside from our beaches, which require heat to be of use – kind of like a hot tub – what else do we bring to the table? I mean seriously? Sure, we have a stunning coastline for like walking dogs and playing with drones, but again, that requires somewhat merciful weather, unless you and your dog fancy being tornado’d off Bonne Nuit’s coast.”

Dempsey claims that the island needs freshening up, a hint of cinnamon added to make Jersey slightly more kinky. He presented the forgotten Aqua Splash as a potential solution:

“I don’t understand why Aqua Splash isn’t a thing anymore, considering everyone on the island is shredded-to-fuck, I’d expect Aqua Splash to be lit, full of models and Love Island love rats. Maybe, if it sold alcohol, smashed in some strobe lights and renamed itself to ‘Dick Splash‘ or something equally grotesque and sexual, we’d see a whole new dynamic flood to the island.”

Dempsey sees a new tourism campaign in the works:

“All this ‘visit Jersey for our heritage and weird lobster things and fresh local potato cake stuff’ which invites the Margarets and the Richards from places like Chester and Surrey, is doing us no favours.”

“Instead, we should be hitting a bigger demographic. I’m talking about targeting the Shaniquas and the Tyrones of Peckham and Scunthorpe, bringing them and their bottles of White Lightning and Lambrini to the squalors of King Street. Jersey is full of young, depressed accountants, they need a taste of freedom and social inequality.”

Dempsey firmly believes that the island must compensate for its bang-average weather sooner or later, or risk becoming Guernsey:

“We need to shape up. This island needs to face some facts and stop acting as if it’s some tropical paradise every day. Don’t get me wrong, Jersey is the most sexually arousing place to be when the sun comes out, but this is rare these days.”

“The way I see it, Jersey is like a super model. Sure, it looks great on the day it comes out to impress the perverts, but when it goes home, it’s the same as everyone else, fat, lazy and crying into a pillow, eating Doritos.”