Jersey Office Christmas Parties Now ‘Better than Christmas Itself’

OFFICE PARTIES return for their annual wrestling match

With December comes the season of the Jersey office parties, the most vain, ‘my Christmas dick is bigger than yours’ contest that pitches every office in the island against each other to see who can blow a cool £100k on Christmas decorations first.

Dempsey works in one of these offices and has agreed to give an insight into the maelstrom that makes up the typical Jersey office Christmas party:

“So, I walk into the office and it’s just fucking chaos. It’s ridiculous, one day it’s a giant window prison, the next it’s this stunning Santa Grotto, if Santa had like a million Dell computers and photocopiers.”

“I mean sure, you might walk into the office Monday morning and be like ‘wow, Sally and John have done great with the tinsel this year, I’ve suddenly forgotten how much I fucking hate Sally and John because they’ve attempted to show a shred of personality behind their usually grey, faceless facades with £100k of Christmas decorations.”

“Don’t get me wrong, fair play, they do a fucking quality job, but it’s not as if if it’s going to make what I physically do day-in day-out any better. Sure, you get to dress in your own clothes and that might give you like 5% more independence, but you can’t tart up a spreadsheet or make your major client less of a cunt.”

Once Dempsey finished praising the office’s interior design, he went onto describe the actual party:

“Ughhh it just all looks so decent, the events are genuinely quality. But this is sort of spoilt because I fucking hate 80% of the people on my floor and now a few are all like ‘oh my God Blake we should talk more, remember when I borrowed your stapler?’ Fuck the fuck off Dan, the reason we sit the office equivalent of the distance between Bristol and Antarctica is because I specifically asked to be positioned as far away from you as is humanly possible without having to physically fucking move to Antarctica. I hate you, Dan, no amount of rum will ever change that and yes, it’s your round.”

While it was clear Dempsey held some grievances in the office that would undoubtedly be brought up at the event, he did give props to the entertainment:

“From the cool bands and the free-ish bar, to the dancing flipping ninja ballet people that get hired every year, everything is a bit mental but good.”

“However, that’s just the skeleton of the party, filling it with skin and meat is left entirely up to you and that’s where the fun starts.”

“I like to see how far I can push things without getting a murdered, or worse, fired. I’ll run up to every director, manager, line-manager, triangle manager and whatever fucking ridiculous authoritative title they have and start digging into their psyche, like a Freudian mind shovel. I go in with things like:

“So, Nigel, those reports last week were tough work, eh?”

Then proceed to slightly less conservative socialising, such as:

“So, Nigel, remember when your wife came in? I’d just like to inform you that I’d absolutely love to cross-breed with her.”

Dempsey reveals that the Christmas party is the one day of the year that can make or break you in your chosen career path – both socially and professionally:

“I’ve learnt that blackmail and gaining horrifically dark secrets on important office people at the Christmas party is undoubtedly the best way to climb up the ranks. All your actual hard work never actually pays off.”

Dempsey reveals that overall, the office Christmas parties are probably a good thing. As long as it doesn’t take the shine off Christmas. If, for whatever terrible reason you can’t make it to the office Christmas party, do not fret, as there is a viable solution:

“If you can’t go, don’t worry, because there will always be some cunt that will film the whole night on Snapchat and proudly parade it the next morning like they’re the next Steven fucking Spielberg.”