EVERYONE WILL probably die after news emerged that courgettes are dying
Courgettes are struggling to breed after Spain, Italy and other places that are warm were hatefully embraced by the Snow Godzilla. Islanders have only just got over the fact that snow might not reach the island, again, and now this courgette crisis is sending people absolutely mental.
We were lucky enough to catch a moment with a fairly calm Blake Dempsey outside Sand Street Car Park who gave us an insight into what islanders were going through:
“I don’t eat courgettes. I always thought they were just long watermelons but not as good. Kind of like biting into a Ferrero Rocher only to realise some sinister child on Halloween has replaced the chocolate with a brussels sprout.”
Blake tells us that because there is now a shortage of courgettes, he wants them. All of them.
“It’s the classic ‘you want what you cannot have’ and I now really want courgettes. I walked into the Co-op with no hope of finding courgettes, only for my gaze to be met by two fully-grown men fighting over the last bag of courgettes. As I raced over to snatch them from the jaws of my fallen rivals, I realised that they were £2,000. Each.”
The news quickly reached our beloved Overlord Alan, who – upon recently recovering from Madness‘ admittance that they may not be here for Jersey Live 2017 – has released this statement:
“Our only logical solution to this problem is to ask Trump for courgettes. Trump definitely has courgettes, the greatest courgettes, the bigly courgettes, some walls of courgettes and most importantly, courgettes that can make our island great again.”
Overlord Alan has been tasked with many troublesome problems as of late, and Hong Kong’s Jersey cow heist hasn’t gone unnoticed:
“I have also been informed that Hong Kong have been stealing our cows during the darkest hours of the morning. I saw many Asian men piggy-backing cows into large Ferry Speed vans which were then plucked from the avenue via magnetised Apache Helicopters in order to be transported to China. The whole thing was so fucking intense and brilliantly executed that I just let it happen.”
“We would however, like to politely ask Hong Kong to stop stealing our fucking cows. We have enough ball-ache to deal with in regards to our lack of snow and our lack of courgettes.”
Some islanders however, aren’t too bothered by the courgette crisis. Gemma Reese remains positive as she stares down the courgette-shaped gun barrel:
“I usually just order everything off Amazon. I haven’t been to town since 2011, is HMV still there? I also need to return some DVDs to Blockbuster, I probably owe around £500,000.”
“But I can’t go in because I’m still on the run after stealing some strawberry laces from Woolworths back in ’06.”