Jersey to Treat Snow Like the Apocalypse for the 1,897th Year Running

JERSEY’S FEAR of potential snow rises as islanders remember winter doesn’t end after Christmas

A state of emergency is soon to be declared after news from the UK suggests snow may reach Jersey, even though, it probably won’t.


Islanders have been told to stock up on as much Waitrose ham as possible and prepare for around 3 inches of ‘chaos snow.’ Eye-witnesses claim to have seen other islanders sprinting down King Street jousting with shopping trolleys full of canned food whilst frantically booking emergency flights to Spain.

Amidst the King Street chaos, we managed to drag an islander away from a bin that had caught fire outside Burton:

“I’m fully prepared. I’ve barricaded my door and marked a giant ‘X’ on the outside, like in The Prince of Egypt.” Claims a triumphant Blake Dempsey.

Many islanders claim they’re taking the month off work, just to be on the safe side. A man who thinks highly of himself has issued a statement:

“No, I will not be going to work this month, I’m not Bear-fucking-Grylls. My £120,000 Porsche Tank Jeep simply cannot wade through the inevitable ice-age terrain. I bought it to look menacing on the avenue and transport my cricket kit.”

When asked what his thoughts were on the snowfall up in Scotland, he simply replied:

“They’re all dead.”

In the past however, Jersey snow has had devastating effects on other islanders. Margaret speaks of her woes back in 2009 where Jersey fell victim to a savage amount of snow – 4 inches:

“It was like that film, The Day After Tomorrow, but worse, because it happened the day before that… and it happened in Jersey.”

“After I’d written several hilarious statuses about the snow as if I’d never experienced it before like those dogs on the internet, I hunkered down into my cottage in Trinity. It was then I realised I’d left my two children outside. I still hear their cries at night… They’re not dead. They just cry a lot at night.”

A headmaster would also like to remind students that even if an earthquake-tsunami full of spiders, sharks, clowns, Satan and Katie Hopkins were to hit schools, you’d still have to come in.

Lastly, the government has presented a last-minute plan to quell the nerves of islanders, however. Overlord Alan released this statement as he perched atop the frog at Charing Cross:

“Due to our island’s confusing, yet unconditional love for the band Madness, we, the government, have pleaded that they fly over to play one last set, in the fear we might not make it to Jersey Live 2017.”

Where they would obviously be.





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