Jersey Tractor Driver Was Just ‘Waiting For A Mate’

A MAN has been caught ‘not driving’ down a road near Havana during the early hours of the morning

A man has been arrested for driving through town on a tractor, according to the important people of Jersey.

Old Man Dempsey was supposedly caught driving at 90mph through town, sporting a straw hat, braces, and blasting out Ed Sheeran’s ‘Galway Girl’ during the early hours of the morning.

Police state that they caught Old Man Dempsey filling up his tractor with vodka outside Havana. Though, upon questioning Old Man Dempsey, he categorically refused to admit he’d been driving:

“I was just waiting for a mate.”

“I was not driving my tractor to not the harbour to not meet a mate of mine, when the police stopped me from not driving down that road Havana might be on.”

“So, I sat in my tractor – as I wasn’t driving – and the police started asking me how my tractor had ended up bang in the middle of those three metal geese- I mean cows in West Centre.”

“So I roll down my window, as I refused to get out the tractor, not because I’d been drinking, but because it’s a long way down, and there wasn’t any soft grass I could fall on, if the moment presented itself.”

“I tried to explain that I was waiting for my mate… Dan, but the police said I didn’t have a mate called Dan, which I couldn’t really argue with.”

Despite Old Man Dempsey’s pleas of innocence, he was forced to admit that he didn’t actually know anyone called Dan, and was consequently arrested. This eventually saw Old Man Dempsey sentenced to life in prison for the heinous act.

Although no one was harmed by this stationary, savage, world-ending incident, some residents took to social media to vent their ever-so-important anger issues towards Old Man Dempsey:

“This man could have slaughtered the entire island with his tractor, he was reckless and irresponsible. I think we should ban tractors from being a thing. I also propose to ban people who walk too quickly through King Street on Saturdays.” Bemoaned an abusive alcoholic.

Old Man Dempsey’s mate had the final say on his mate’s imprisonment:

“I was just at the harbour, waiting for a mate to help fix my gearbox. My mate said he might be a while, as he wasn’t driving, because he’d had a few drinks. So, I said ‘could you not drive down to the harbour to not help fix my gearbox, mate’, and obviously he didn’t, because he never showed up.”

“So, either he’s not my mate, or he’s innocent. Either way, I’ve been left without a gearbox and a mate.”

“I’m the real victim here.”