Man Struggles to Take Date Anywhere But Wildfire

A MAN has admitted that it’s impossible to take his date anywhere other than Wildfire

In one of our most revealing interviews, a man has admitted that finding somewhere new and quirky to take a date in Jersey is about as enjoyable as sellotaping your balls to a furnace.

Blake Dempsey has recently succeeded in acquiring the number of a girl he’s liked down in marketing, though his joy was swiftly overshadowed by the fact that he now has to put effort into locating a date location that is neither too common, nor too shit.

“I played it casual at the start. The cheeky meet-up at the printer, the flirtatious, yet conservative email exchanges, and my immense ability to track her every move on social media, so much that I’ve cloned her Spotify playlist and now know both her parents names due to me liking every single Instagram photo she uploads.”

Despite Blake’s immense research into her social profile, it did fuck all in helping him search for an adequate area to lure his date:

“The answer is obviously Wildfire, I mean, it’s such a sure bet, you simply cannot go wrong… but then, yes, you definitely fucking can, because everyone goes there. I’ll probably rock up and see 30 other dates simultaneously going on, and I don’t fancy taking this lovely girl to Tinder HQ.”

Blake admits he has thought of more ‘cavalier’ ideas, but realised that none of them are even remotely plausible:

“I considered cooking at home, once. Wearing an apron and looking all Jamie Gordon Oliver or some shit. It seemed alright, but it’s just graft at the end of the day. Plus, I’d probably end up unintentionally poisoning her.”

Blake revealed he had attempted some rogue ideas in the past, to no avail:

“I once presented a date with an M&S microwave meal, claiming I had made it. Though, I was rumbled soon after, upon serving the dish in its plastic packaging. Obviously didn’t realise I was dining with Sherlock Holmes.”

As the date-day approached, Blake found himself aggressively batting away her questions regarding what they would be doing:

“It must be fucking obvious to her that I have no idea where we’re going to eat. She knows Wildfire is going to be at the top of my list, of course it is, I’m an unimaginative wanker who has commitment issues.”

“But then I thought, could go for a drive? Is that still a thing? It was sexy back in year 13 when having a car was cool, and mum paid for my petrol. Plus, I’m still dope at handbrake turns.”

“My other option was Tamba Arcade, then I realised I’m far too competitive, and I’d end up crushing her soul into the dirt via my immense ability to beat those Minions into the ground with that hammer.”

“Then there’s bowling, which I’m always optimistic about, but there’s always a lingering chance that I’m actually shit at it.”

After hours of googling restaurants he knew he’d never step foot in, Blake came to a startling realisation:

“Fuck it, Wildfire it is, it’s a safe bet, I’m a safe man living a safe life. I’m a tea with milk, ham and cheese baguette, Mimosa on a Saturday, St Ouens in the summer ‘kinda guy. Life isn’t all travelling in North America and doing drugs at Glastonbury; it’s sitting down to a reliable meal, with a reliable girl, in a Farah shirt, with a vodka soda lime.”

“Plus, if she wants to spice things up, I’ll do some handbrake turns in the Splash car park on the way home.”

“That’s bound to get me laid.”