‘New Year, New Me’ Claims Islander Who Gave Up Dry January After 2 Weeks

ISLANDERS PRETEND they’re decent people for a month

As January comes to an end, many islanders have come to the conclusion that the end of January is basically February, so the middle of January is basically the end of January, which basically means that dry January is over. So, we’ll have a pint to celebrate how clever and wise we’ve all been since we replaced our livers and kidneys with mulled wine and mulled regret over Christmas.

Islander Blake Dempsey was one of the many people who genuinely believed that this year was ‘his year.’ Like others, he’d made a list of what accomplishments and changes he’d like to achieve, a few of which he divulged to us:

“Fuck the clichés, I’m nailing 2018. I’ve consumed my years’ worth of chocolate and alcohol in preparation for this social and physical suicide mission.”

Although on the surface he appears calm, Dempsey does believe that his attempts to become ‘new’ this year may have already stumbled:

“Why the fuck does dry January have to be in January. Think about it, January is the month where there is literally nothing to do. No Christmas to look forward to, no one wants to do anything, no one has any money to spend and the only money I do have to spend I want to spend on alcohol so I can forget that I have no fucking money to spend. Also, there’s no sun – not even that cold sun we get where it’s nice on your back sometimes. There’s just fuck all. This month lasts a lifetime.”

Dempsey claims that dry January is merely a concept designed by scumbags to make themselves appear like decent humans for a month or so, before returning to being scumbags:

“I think when people give it the whole ‘new year, new me’ thing, what they really mean is, ‘how long can I keep up this charade before I turn back into the lowlife, self-deprecating walrus that I truly am.’

Despite Dempsey’s pessimism, he himself has set some goals for the new year:

“Fuck it, might as well jump on the island band-wagon. Right, so I’m going to start going to the gym obviously, because we live in a visual society where if you aren’t noticed on St Brelade’s beach, or even King Street – you simply do not exist.”

“Second, I’m going to give up smoking. This means I can now start that vaping thing those people outside phone and tech shops do. This will buy me another year of injecting nicotine into my lungs and it’s somehow seen as an improvement. A win-win situation.”

“Third, I’m going to take up a sport. I’m looking at golf, because it’s the most likely to get cancelled due to many weather-dependent factors. I’d take up cricket, but I don’t fancy suicide this year, I’ll save that for when Trump gets re-elected.”

Dempsey claims that he is optimistic for the upcoming year and has claimed that things only get better after January:

“As January is basically over now, I can stop pretending that I’ve changed my ways and so can the rest of you. Deep down, no one changes, we just sort of act differently sometimes to achieve our own, selfish, independent motives.”