St Helier’s Road Closures Were ‘A Psychological Test’ Claims Dr Dempsey

A LOCAL psychologist believes that the ‘closed roads’ have been fully operational for weeks

A spokesman for the Overlords of Jersey has come out claiming that the road closures were genuinely needed in order to sort out some ‘underground water Tetris.’

In our search for more information regarding these incredibly annoying road closures, we sought the advice and expertise of Dr Blake Dempsey, a pioneer in Jersey Roadwork Psychology. Dr Dempsey likened the islander’s refusal to drive down the closed roads to the principle of tying an elephant to a chair. The elephant won’t move due to the fact it believes it’s tied to something heavier than itself, similar to the islanders refusing to drive down a road because a small red sign tells them not to.

Dr Dempsey divulged the main factor behind his Jersey Roadwork Psychology thesis:

“The fundamental principle of my psychology is based on one simple concept; Jersey roadworks are entirely fictional, kind of like Twilight.”

“Indeed, it isn’t uncommon for the Overlords of Jersey to commit a crime as piss-annoying as this, just look at that time they closed Liquid in 2009, that joke’s been going on for almost 10 years, with no punchline..

“Except the punchline to my heart.”

Dr Dempsey allowed us an insight into the sinister reasons why Jersey erect these spirit-crushing roadworks:

“You can’t print this, but basically, there has never been any problems underneath the roads of Jersey, never. As I’m sure many are aware, Jersey’s power runs off thousands of finance students generating electricity via a giant Penny Farthing-esq bicycle underneath each finance industry. The roads are never in need of maintenance, the island just needs to maintain the illusion that it is a normal, functioning member of the global society with normal problems, like Atlantis.”

Dr Dempsey also claimed that the roadworks are littered with hidden hieroglyphs and subtle signs pointing towards the sinister powers-at-be:

“Next time you drive past a roadwork site, look out for the signs.. that’s not a pun, seriously, look for the signs. You think traffic cones resemble the Illuminati symbol out of coincidence? Open your minds, sheeple.”

After we had calmed Dr Dempsey by playing him Tom Cruise’s interview on Scientology, we thought it best to seek-out the opinion and thoughts of the Jersey public.

The conclusion that became immediately apparent was that the residents of Jersey dislike roadworks, quite a bit. Especially those hopeful few who drive into work in the morning, hoping the road will have fixed itself overnight:


Others simply questioned the concept behind the workings:

“The fuck are they even doing there? It wouldn’t surprise me if they were building a series of St Mary’s roundabouts across the entire island, having us constantly driving in circles, going nowhere, symbolising Jersey’s dwindling tourism campaign and their political outlook.”

Reports claim that a cyclist, upon venturing down the closed-off Green Street – ignoring standard traffic warning messages as they are stereotyped and programmed to do so – was able to safely navigate across the road and found ‘no immediate threats.’ He recounted his euphoric experience:

“I cycled straight through the scary red signs, and… nothing. I felt like I was on The Truman Show, like I’d been living a lie this whole time. I was expecting the ground to give way and be caught in some sort of granite sink-hole, but everything was fine, I even stopped to assess what had changed..

“Obviously, nothing had changed.”

It appears that Jersey fabricate roadworks in order to maintain a sense of ‘order’ over their people, and this may only be the tip of the ice-berg. Our undercover sources recently uncovered some startling facts, one of which addressed the Charing Cross Toad, and the possibility that it’s capable of hypnotism:

“Nothing is clear yet, we are still monitoring the Toad and its ancient hieroglyphs.”

Dr Dempsey concluded that he fears the roadwork ‘system’ is onto him, and that he may go into hiding until time forgets his name:

“If the prophecy is correct, the roadworks will be completely gone come Wednesday morning. Though, it will only be a matter of time before they relocate somewhere else to set up their devious excavation plans.

“My guess is shutting down the entirety of St Helier, just to see how the public react, sort of like in The Simpsons Movie when they put that giant dome around Springfield.”