AFTER YEARS of struggle, St Ouen have finally been given permission to fit a ramp at the end of their 5-mile drag-strip
“Sport, Education & Culture can wait.” Laments an ecstatic Overlord Alan.
“We must think of our people, what our people want and what the island truly needs. After many board meetings and the filing of many bits of paper with many important numbers on them, we have come to the obvious conclusion that what the island truly requires is a fuck-off massive ramp at the end of the 5-mile road.”
Overlord Alan, the pioneer behind transforming St Marys into Earth’s own personal version of Mars believes the massive ramp will benefit the economy to no end.
We asked, “Why?”
To which Alan replied:
Overlord Alan tells us that the ramp’s purpose focuses on this idea of teaching some islanders a lesson about responsibility and speeding, otherwise every parish will become St Marys.
“For example, if teenagers and boy racers feel that it’s appropriate to fling the metal dinosaur-on-wheels version of the bank of Mum and Dad down the road at 70mph (which is the average speed on the M25 – you absolute psychos) then surely the only way they are to learn their lesson would be to politely launch them off the island into the foggy abyss.”
Alan painted the idea to us, in exuberant fashion:
“What makes this more fun is that we won’t tell the ruffians about the ramp, so that when they head out on their midnight grime drives in a vague attempt to impress a girl that they’ve met off Tinder, and after their several attempts at handbrake turns inside the St Ouen’s gravel car parks have failed, their last resort is to try not to fuck up going 70mph down a road that is swarmed with rabbits and other night creatures that will do their utmost to try and get in your way.”
“If they make it through the Back To The Future drag-strip, this is where the ramp comes into play.”
“As they’re celebrating their newfound masculine prowess by slamming on Stormzy and bragging about their limited knowledge of horsepower and power-to-weight ratio theories, the ramp will suddenly rise from the ground and illuminate like an airport runway. The mad testosterone-fueled grime car would then mount the ramp, and due to the ramp’s natural ‘ramp’ ability, they would be flung into the abyss, never to be seen again.”
“Unless of course, they land in the mouth of the island’s secret Megalodon shark, Nigel.”