ISLANDERS LAMENT the piss-annoying storm
Christmas decided to leave Jersey by throwing a tropical storm into the mix.
Not only has this left the island soaked, but it’s ruining the work of good hair straighteners people have got for Christmas, as well as destroying Jack Wills jumpers and scarfs. A truly terrible time to be living in Jersey.
To get more of an insight into how the storm has affected islanders, we asked Blake Dempsey, who was left stranded at an airport because of the bullshit storm:
“I witnessed a golden retriever fly into a Boeing 747 mid take-off. It was a remarkable moment.”
“However, the storm itself can well and truly fuck off now, does it not understand that we have things to do? Money to not spend? People to avoid until Summer? It’s so selfish. In fact, I’m going to start a petition to get it removed from the island.”
Dempsey claims that it is not only he who has been left traumatised by the storm, claiming that something must be done soon to eliminate its presence:
“I heard that the met office has been in talks with the people in suits who live in the Magistrate’s Court and they’re going to come together to combat the storm using several desk fans and screaming poetic verses into the storm. The event is set to take place on the airport runway, as this is where the police believe the storm to be residing.”
The storm has left much of the island in peril, namely the avenue, the entire parish of St Ouen, The Splash and particularly the Frigate, which Dempsey believed to be hilariously ironic.
“I’d make a joke about the storm flipping The Frigate upside down but that wouldn’t be funny, because it’s already upside down. So, I won’t make a joke.”
Dempsey believes that people may have taken the storm more seriously if the hadn’t named it ‘Eleanor.’
“I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, if we start naming these storms things like ‘Megatron’ and ‘Darth Vader-Storm’ then people will begin to take them seriously. If you people keep naming them things like ‘Debbie’ and ‘Brian’, people are going to start treating them like people that are named Debbie and Brian.”
Now that the storm has pretty much passed, people are beginning to rebuild, namely in the process of re-positioning garden furniture and buying better umbrellas. However, there were other casualties that struck the island, one of which Dempsey witnessed firsthand:
“I saw Fort Regent floating above the sky, like a giant ghost-like tent. It was exceptional. I also witnessed several small, local cafes drifting out to sea, all of which looked as if they’d been built by Tom Hanks in Cast Away.”
Storm Eleanor far outstayed it’s welcome according to the residents of Jersey, with places like Waitrose and M&S becoming desperately low on avocados and kale, much to the disarray of the islanders. Dempsey believes this was the worst atrocity of the storm, as he had no superfoods to Instagram at work. He has, however, found the culprit:
“Condor, don’t think you can use the storm as an excuse to neglect your fucking duties, you’re the one at fault here. Everyone knows that regardless of the storm, you’d still have been fucking late to everything, just like me.”
“I’ll save you a seat in Hell, bitch.”