MAN VOWS to keep Jersey students from certain death
As the university season draws near, many of Jersey’s young satanic spawns are buying their sick pencil cases and £30k MacBooks to show-off to the cool kids from Manchester at Durham university.
Blake Dempsey has been tracking the progression of the Jersey student for quite some time and believes that their naivety may end up subconsciously destroying any chance of gaining true ‘pals.’
Blake Dempsey highlights his stance on all of this:
“Having once been a twat-student from Jersey, I know the shit you can and can’t get away with. So, buckle-up private school Fiat 500 lovers, your crash course on ‘how not to get beat-up at university’ has begun.
1. Do not open with the question ‘Where is the nearest Waitrose?’
Regardless of where you go, do not drop the Waitrose bomb this early. You might be lucky and find that you’ve been dumped in a room with Harrison from Chelsea – but even he’s not going to admit he shops at Waitrose on the reg (on a regular basis). So, you now shop at Lidl, your favourite person is Conor McGregor, you hate Ed Sheeran and you never withdraw more than £20 from cash machines.”
2. Don’t assume you can drive from Brighton to Scotland for a ‘mad one’ because you once drove from St Peter to Gorey.
“Driving in Jersey isn’t actually driving. Until you’ve faced a roundabout on the M25 in a Ford Transit with a gang of crack dealers hidden in the back, you haven’t learned to drive. So, stick your St Aubin’s filter-in-turn up your ass, and fuck your St Helier roundabout, you’re in the real world now.”
3. Do not ask ‘Why are there so many peasant men residing in the streets?’
“Homelessness is extinct in Jersey because you have to be earning £25k at the very least to be considered working class. The closest thing you’ll see to homelessness is some dude wearing a t-shirt from New Look. So, when Dav the homeless man asks you for change at 2am on your walk home from Vodka Revs, don’t act like a dick. Either politely decline or smash him a few quid, if you’re feeling sexy.
Otherwise, your natural Jersey kindness will end up forking out £40 for him to splash on Boots meal deals.”
4. Don’t get all mad and sad when clubs demand money for nightclub entry.
“Learn hard and learn fast, Mimosa can’t save you here.
In the UK, you have to pay for shit; tenner to get into some dingy club in east London where you might get stabbed? Done deal. The phrase ‘Can I get a vodka soda lime?’ will also be met with ridicule and non-stop abuse from students and bar staff alike.”
5. ‘I can do a long-distance relationship, we love each other’ – Shut your whore mouth.
“Arguably the most infamous last words of every Jersey student.
We all know scumbag love-rats that look the part on Instagram; posting St Ouen’s selfies, pre-drinks poses and smoothie cups, but these people also refuse to drive 15 minutes to St Mary from Trinity to see their ‘bae.’ So, don’t go running your mouth claiming that you can ‘hack long-distance.’
Skype sex and tongue emojis can only get you so far.”
6. You will not shake-off your past if you’re going to uni with your Jersey mate.
“Hoping to get rid of the ‘Paedo Pete’ nickname you got when you accidentally kissed a girl a year younger than you at Jersey Live?
In Jersey, your past will never escape you if you’re bringing another Jersey bean along, no matter how far you run. Sure, you can go to the gym, get ripped, get a cool haircut and get your new uni mates to call you that nickname you always wanted at school, like ‘Pistol Pete’ or some shit.
But deep down, you’ll always be Paedo Pete.”
7. Don’t be offended when everyone thinks you’re from Guernsey, or strongly believes you should speak French.
“Humans in the UK don’t understand the geographical vortex that is Jersey.
So, when they ask if you’re from Guernsey, or ask if you can speak French, it’s important that you don’t strike them in the face with that powerful backhand you’ve mastered from the middle-class scraps you’ve got into outside Waitrose and The Royal Yacht.
Just calmly state that France and Guernsey are not Jersey, if the banter ensues, shut them down with a poverty joke or a dig at the working class, should work a treat.”
Dempsey claims that his top tips are more educational than any career fair or university induction day. He seeks to spread the word of wisdom to all prospective students in the hope that none of them get their heads rammed into a bin outside Oceana during their first Freshers night.