The Process of Avoiding People [2]: King Street, Jersey

A man details the process of avoidance when walking through King Street

Unlike other urban areas, King Street is one of those places that is constantly rammed, regardless of the time, day, week or season and this can prove difficult for those looking to avoid society on a regular basis.

Man of Jersey Blake Dempsey explains his process of avoiding the public when waddling down King Street:

“King Street shares many similarities with the strong current bit at the Aqua Splash. You just sort of unintentionally end up there, and before you know it, you’re dragged around in this constant loop of doom until someone drags you out of it.”

“Today, I’m here to help people avoid each other when traversing through King Street.”

Week Days: Morning

“Park your car somewhere in Green Street, lock the doors, and smash out your umbrella. It’s not raining? Yeah? Your fucking point?”

“Umbrella’s aren’t just for blocking rain, they’re great for covering your face, especially if you angle it down a bit. Why? Because it acts as a ram.”

“Just imagine that the people walking down King Street are the orcs of Helms Deep and you’re the battering ram. It’s their fault if they get in the way of your giant umbrella. Survival of the fittest meets natural selection, move from my warpath, or I’ll shunt you into WHSmith.”

Weekdays: Lunch Time

“This is where all-out war commences. Let’s assume for a minute that you can’t be bothered to partake in your lunch Whatsapp chat bullshit and just want to snatch your lunch from the market and crawl back to your desk like Gollum in a suit.”

“How is this done? Simple, two options.”

  • Option 1: Go off-road

“If you’re positioned outwards of King Street, you’re at an immediate advantage. You can take the back roads, avoid the main funnel of doom. Just stick to the sides, and keep shifting along the sides like a fat kid in a pool.”

  • Option 2: Dive into Voisons or De Gruchy

Not only is it fantastic for hiding in, but you can use obstacles to conceal your identity. Pick up random handbags and just cover your face with them. Don’t steal the handbags, this is frowned upon.”

“If someone else has this idea, they’ll know to straight-up ignore you. This is good, this is the sign of intelligence and also something you can talk about in Mimosa when you’re drunk.”

  • Option 3: Headphones, dark glasses, hat

“Cover as much of your face as is humanly possible. The headphones will cease all attempts of third party communication and if they kick off about being ignored, blame it on your giant headphones.”

Lunch Time Pt.2: Gathering Food Without Alerting Others

“You’ve reached your lunchtime trough like the successful stealth pig you are, but you’ve also realised that every member of your lunch Whatsapp group is also at the local grazing field.”

“Ever seen David Attenborough’s Planet Earth? I’m talking about the bit where all the zebras and buffalo are chilling at the water, grazing on plants and shit, minding their own business. Nice isn’t it? But there’s this lurking sense of doom that the camera is gonna’ pan to some selfish fucking Lion that wants its zebra fix.”

“Then, out of fucking nowhere, some giant Lion just bolts round the corner and just starts fucking everyone’s shit up.”

Well surprise bitch, today, you’re that lion.

“Jump the queue and shield your face with your blazer like Dracula in the sun. The bystanders (potential friends) might come across all gentle and socially appealing, like Mark. He might say some shit like:

“Oh, hey Blake, sorry I was just in the queue-

Fuck Mark. He’s not a lion, you are. Take a chunk out the fucker’s leg, snatch his Moo salad from his smooth palms and gun it back to your office.”

“You’re safe in the office, surrounded by other successful pig-lions who too, have decided against socialising with the zebras and buffalo in St Helier.”

Weekends: Saturday (Any time)

“It’s your fault for going into town on a Saturday.”

“Get in, get out. Buy whatever you need, send whatever tax shit you have and just get out. If you see someone walking towards you in the distance, emergency phone call it, then just aggressively walk past them, pointing at your phone.”

“They will know not to start chatting shit. They’ll wave and then fuck off. Absolute bliss, well done Jason Bourne.”

Saturday Night

“The only reason anyone is on King Street at this time is because they’re leading their drunk mates to another club, like Moses leading his pals to the water park in the Bible.”

“You’re friends with everyone by this point, drunk, stumbling into bins and wondering if you can jump over that bench because you fancied yourself a competent hurdler in Year 12.”

“Say goodbye to your ankles and say a good morning to morphine in A&E.”

Worst Case Scenario: Accidentally Meeting Another Human on Lunch

“End game. No way out. You’re face to face with one of your prick friends and you’ll get the classic:

‘Have you not checked your Whatsapp you cockgoblet?’

“Alright Brian you worm, guess what, sometimes I’m busy at work, Brian. I don’t have time to meet you at the market, Brian, because you’re just going to want to chat shit about your weekend, and I don’t want to hear about how you were up partying till 11am on Sunday and vacuuming cocaine through your fucking eyes to impress a girl who likes leopard-print tights and thinks Kanye West is a respectable member of society.

“Brush your fucking teeth and go to bed.”